I’ve been a little on edge lately. Feeling frustrated, blocked and inert.
I can think of a million things to do to change … but none of them scream “Yes, Matthew, I am the solution you’ve been searching for. Rest easy, my son. The battle is over.”
That’d be nice, wouldn’t it?
Sometimes I think “oh just do it, change now” … but I’ve made rash decisions in the past that didn’t work out so well. Not saying I have any regrets (who knows how alternatives would have turned out). I’ve just learned that it’s adviseable to know as much as possible about what you’re getting yourself into and what you’re hoping to get out of it.
I’m not going to go into great detail about what is making me feel frustrated here … it’s not personal, and it’s not spiritual … but I find it affecting these aspects of my life, and I want that to stop. In essence, I’m worried about time. I assume I have plenty of it left here … but I’m worried that if things don’t change soon … I’ll wake up and find myself at the end of a path I never meant to choose in the first place.
The problem is that I’m a relatively pleasant person. I take enjoyment from and find love within the people I surround myself with. Generally, I make extremely good choices in that arena, and I’ve been blessed with a nearly 30-year spat of good luck as well. I try to make everything I do enjoyable for myself and for those around me. It’s just hard to notice that you’re unfulfilled when you’re basically in a good mood all the time. It’s like I’ve been walking along a lovely trail … checking out the wildlife, the groovy foliage … and now I’m looking around and I’ve realized I’m totally lost.
The one thing that I have decided is that I need some discipline. It’s something I’ve consciously shunned most of my life. I’ve always despised formality and external discipline is the pinnacle of that. However, internal discipline … that’s something I can have some respect for.
So I’m going to enforce this on my schedule. Try to get up at a certain time. In bed by a certain time. Start some form of meditation that will encourage said discipline. I’m going to have to experiment to find the right practice for myself. I’m really picky … which is quite the obstacle when you’re trying to let go of judgement and the petty distractions of the material world.
Speaking of petty distractions, I’m going to do my damnedest to post to this blog every day, even it’s just a link or something. Again, discipline, routines. Please note, I reserve the right to disappear again at anytime. I’m just trying this out. I expect this to result in a lot of crappy posts. I apologize in advance.
Keeping all that in mind, this is a fine cover of “Many Rivers to Cross” by the fine NYC band, The Walkmen. As legend has it, they lost the lease for their studio located on the Upper West Side in 2006. Distraught with the loss, they decided to record one more album real quick-like and covered the entirety of Pussy Cats, an album by Harry Nilsson, produced by John Lennon and recorded during their legendary Lost Weekend in 1974. Enjoy.