A List of Names for Inanimate Objects Owned by Matt Urban

08.29.11 | Filed Under Me


My first iPod was named Devendra (as in Banhart). Not sure that I actually assigned it that name in any software, but it acted pretty funky – so it seemed appropriate.

One day it just up and died – and I didn’t have a complete backup anywhere. This would be referred to as the Great Music Holocaust of 2004 … if we ever spoke of it again. Which we won’t.

Early the following year, I got an honest, for-real, full-time, paying job. I immediately rewarded such excellent behavior by purchasing an iPod. I didn’t name this one for a long while … probably for fear of being hurt again. However, when the time came to do a clean restore of the machine, it seemed appropriate to name it Wakefield. It’s slow … and sometimes it just shits the bed. But it still eats a lot of innings.

Much like its namesake, I am surprised to still be using this today – but Wakefield only truly works as an external hard drive (unplugged from life support, it gets tired quickly). I ended up naming my current iPhone Tek – for another long standing Sox. The phone still works pretty well, I guess – but I look forward to an upgrade now that it’s past its prime.

He’s the one on the right.

However, Tek’s antecedent, the first iPhone, seemed like a giant leap ahead for Man in 2007. Or whenever that was. Sure, we’d spent the the greater part of the 20th Century developing man-killing machines and watering down culture and personhood – but we had made this thing – which was pretty cool!

Not since grocery door entranceways had we been able to achieve what our science fiction heroes had only dared to dream of – ultimate convenience and service while minimizing physical effort. Flying hover boards couldn’t be far behind.

It seemed only appropriate to choose a technologically advanced hero as a namesake for such a leap forward – Mork.

Which brings me to the newest member of this family. I’m typing this ridiculously nerdy blog entry on an iPad, Heisenberg – also named for a television character, albeit a slightly different breed.